No Turning Back

For the last few months I have really gotten in tune with myself and did some serious soul searching. Moving to Missouri was a blessing in disguise in more than one way. Of course getting a job promotion into management was amazing in itself. Here I was twenty-three years old, single and living life, making money, and having accomplished something that many of my peers had not. However, what all seemed to glitter and shimmer was not always gold. Months into the job I started to lose focus, immeasurable amounts of stress was starting to take a toll on my body. My hair was falling out, I loss at least 15 pounds, appetite thrown out the window, and I even wasn’t sounding like myself according to my friends. I went to work and went straight home. It didn’t take long when I found myself coming home going to my empty refrigerator and open a bottle of Angry Orchard. Before I knew it I had two bottles and fell straight asleep on the couch in my work clothes with the third unfinished bottle spilled over on the floor. I was mess but I was in such denial about everything. I kept telling myself that the job will get better, I will be better when the office is back in line, and etc.

In late September, I was invited to a Women’s Missionary seminar by some women that I have gotten to know. The guest speaker was Dr. Carol Mitchell out of Nebraska. Her lecture and the activities we took part in was so moving and inspiring. At first, I was not going to attend to the seminar. I really just wanted to go home watch football and have me a bottle or two. I am so glad I attended because that was the push I needed to wake up and get my act together. I started attending church and women’s bible study faithfully after that. I knew I had strayed away from the path that God had for me and I needed to get back on track before it was too late. As I studied and read the good Word for myself everything started to make sense. I picked out what was toxic in my life and slowly but surely started getting rid of it. Weeks after taking the steps to transform into this woman God wanted me to be I still felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere. I thought I weeded any distraction that was weighing me down. One night I just prayed and prayed on my bed side all night. Asking God to send me some sort of sign to what I should do next.

The next day I went to work. The morning went by smoothly until closer to lunch time. I don’t know if it was “Make Jas Day Pure Hell” or what but things were getting unbearable. Customers coming in and out wanting to argue, nag, complain, and be ignorant. The pressure I was getting from upper management about how the office needs to do better and I have to get things running immediately. I had gotten so overwhelmed I just walked out of the office and sat on the curbside in the parking lot. I had never cried like this before. I was feeling so vulnerable, guilty, ashamed, angry, defeated, and lost. For the first time in my life I felt useless. Nothing I could do would change my mindset and how I was feeling. I was too hurt to call anyone and let them know that I was literally having a nervous breakdown. My breath started to get short, my body began to shake, I found myself pulling out my own hair. I had made up in my mind that I was a failure. The girl who always had her life planned out and to be bigger than anyone else out there was a sellout. After about twenty minutes I wiped my face, got up, and walked back in the office. I went home that night just in awe. All I could do was just sit on the floor and think. I jotted down all of my thoughts and feelings. Started to ask myself was taking this job the best decision for me? Is a career with this company really my dream come true? Are all of the stress, anxiety, and anger worth it? Is getting a paycheck worth it? The answer to all of these questions was NO. Except for the first question. As stated at the beginning, coming to Missouri was a blessing in disguise. Had I not come to Missouri I wouldn’t had went through all of this. I wouldn’t have gotten so much to closer to God. I honestly have to say that getting off track was the best thing to ever happen to me. So what I do now? I knew I had to get out of Missouri. I was home sick. I missed my family, friends, and having a life. For the last year and eight months I had no life. My time was dedicated to working. I missed my baby sister’s graduation, family members funerals, and etc. I had sacrificed so much to get on top and I was not pleased with myself.

I had a degree and now some experience so that job hunt began. After days of applying to different banks and other jobs I got a few hits. Had some phone interviews and in person interviews. I left the company around November 20th. I had given myself until the end of year but I couldn’t wait any longer. I took a leap of faith and left. No job offer. Only a few hundred dollars to my name and bills coming due soon, I went back home to Mississippi and also Birmingham, AL which is about two and half hours away from my hometown to do some in person interviews and drop off resumes. I even got some information about graduate schools. As I was on the road the phone rang and it was a recruiter from Wells Fargo calling to offer me a job as a phone banker in Birmingham. The job was a pay cut but I didn’t even care at that point. I just wanted to do something I could enjoy and grow into and just be content with my life. I always wanted to do something in banking. My ultimate dream is to become the next Chairman of the Federal Reserve System. I knew working for a company like Wells Fargo could a stepping stone to reaching this dream.

Right now I am staying at my grandmothers in Mississippi until I start on January 6th. I‘ll be staying with my older cousin in Birmingham for a couple of months until I get back on my feet. Being unemployed for a month, I am going to have a lot of bills to catch up on and get back on track financially. But I do not regret the decisions I’ve made. I left Missouri and didn’t look back. No ounce of guilt. I knew I had done something to make my life better. I knew I took the steps necessary to go after what I wanted. I’m sure I was talked about, despised, and bashed from certain individuals about it but I honestly don’t have the time or energy to dwell on about it and how they feel. I have to do what is best for Jasmine Phillips. Just being back home has been so relieving. I feel like I’m recuperating from being away on a top secret mission or something. My family welcomed me back with open arms. My friends are happy to see me happy. I got a haircut and even started working out a little to get shape back. Things will only go up from here. I can’t wait to take on Birmingham. It is such a perfect location. Still down south in SEC country, not far away from away from everyone, and it a nice small big city for young professionals to start out.

So here’s to the end of a wild year and the beginning of an amazing one. I hope this blog has inspired some of you to really take a look at where you are in life. Are you content? If yes, kudos to you and I hope 2014 will be just another outstanding year. If not, it’s never too late to take control over your life. Be the change you want to be and don’t look back.